Work In Progress
Outlook Tendencies
Self examination, and research about my typical outlook on life.
Introduction
I find myself to be quite cynical and pessimistic at times. I want to examine these perspectives and see if they still hold any value in my life. Whether or not I need to work towards changing them, and if I do need to change them, how can I go about it.
I also find value in stoicism, yet find that it leads me to be dismissive of the things that I would like to appreciate more intently.
I have also observed that I am quite cynical when it comes to
Change
I assume that I have the capacity to change my perspective. If I have had the ability to become stoic, either through voluntary or involuntary means, then surely I can become just as delighted with a bit of conscious work over time.
Conversation
Let's just start writing and see what comes of it.
I recently had a conversation with some friends about my outlook and perspective. We talked about self-worth, cynicism, irrational optimism and other such topics. It was a nice conversation and it gave me an opportunity to throw some of my perspectives off a back board and see their reaction to it. Granted it was 2 am, and I can't make a basketball reference for the life of me.
The conversation started by talking about some of my worries about my recent eating habits. I haven't been eating enough and I'm aware of it, but don't have the resolve or worry to do something about it. I'm eating roughly 1 small meal with 2 or so snacks a day (I estimated it to be under/around 1000 calories a day). I'm at the lowest 'healthy' BMI of 19.0. I'm roughly 134 lbs. for being 5' 11", which means I'm close to being too light for my weight.
Regardless, the conversation continued on why I thought that this was acceptable. Maybe not encourageable, but enough to get by. I brought up my views on exercise and how I've convinced myself that exercising in order to achieve some body type isn't a worthy goal of exercise.
My primary reason is that if I am not content with myself as I am, changing that(putting in the work to achieve some 'better' body) will be of no use because I won't be content with myself then either. [There are a few continuity errors with this argument, yet I haven't had the time to figure them out.]
We then talked about the perception of my self worth. My friends worry that I hold myself in low regard, that I don't value my life enough. Which isn't an unreasonable worry, yet I don't think that it is tied to my eating, and self care habits. But I didn't really offer a reason why I did think I did these things.
Anyway, the conversation continued and we talked about outlook tendencies. Which brings us to this point.
To provide more context, these are some of my closest friends whom I've had the great pleasure of opening up to them with some of the shittest stuff that's happened within the past few years. While I can't speak to their perspective of me, I can say that they have a fairly good understanding of the recent life events that have influenced my perspective. The top 5 including: Having the 3rd divorce in my family, Moving for quite literately the 5th and 6th time in 3 years, being introduced to my dad's new fiancé who moved in with us, their wedding within a few months and my many failed trials of dating. All of which happened in the past year.
Within this context, I can be quite pessimistic and cynical. While I have ever 'right' to be this way, I have tried my hardest to be objective and neutral. In the long view of life, I am sure there will be plenty of more shit to deal with, and I'll be able to look back and wonder what the big deal was. [<- I was going to remove this sentence, but it illistrates my cyncism so eliquently that I have decided to keep it.]
Let, me try to say this again, because I am already getting off track.
A lot has happened recently. This has been the pace of my life for as long as I have known it. My friends know this, I don't hide it from them. I know this, I live it. It doesn't justify my cynicism, nor my pessimism.
I try my best to remove myself emotionally from the situation. From every situation. (excluding heated matches with equally heated friends.) I stay as objective as I can and try to think rationally.
Why am I so insistent of stating that I approach things objectively and rationally?
Because when I approach some new situation, review the past, or live in the present, this objectively and rationally aids in my perspective. I view my perspective on life, as a pair of glasses that has collected dirt and finger prints of the past. These smudges alter how I see the world, so I use objectivity, rationally to try and see past it. Yet, I still have this tendency to be negative.
That's what I think my outlook has become. A tendency. An inclination towards negativity based on what's happened.
[I don't have enough time to finish this, so I'll put a pause in it for now and end with this point. (This has not been edited, and will be updated in the future.)]
I have gotten better at appreciating the moments of calm as they come. I notice times where I have done everything that I've needed to do, I've hit every goal I wanted, yet I still sit in silence. Yet, when I sit here emotionally distant from the harm, I feel also distant from joys.
Talking points:
- Coming to a point where I have to choose to embrace the moment and enjoy it
- Emotionally removed to deal with the amount of shit going on
- What is good, or bad really? - Zen story about farmer's horse and son
- Rational emotionally and logically
- Negativity as a habit
- There is a doubt in the air that the future will A) ever arrive, B) be anything more than a disappointment.
- I want to be more appreciative, grateful and thankful. I want to build this into my life.